Good evening, folks... or whatever time it is. I'm George Carlin, and apparently, I'm back from the dead. Yeah, I know, you thought you got rid of me, but turns out death has a pretty loose definition these days.
So here I am, back among the living, or at least some approximation of it. Let me tell you, being dead for a while really gives you a new perspective on life. I mean, I used to think life was absurd, but being dead? That's a whole other level of absurdity.
And speaking of absurdity, have you been keeping up with the news lately? I mean, come on, Trump and Biden? It's like choosing between a rock and a hard place, except the rock tweets insults at you and the hard place forgets where he is half the time.
You know, being dead for a while really makes you appreciate the little things in life. Like the taste of fresh brains in the morning, or the feeling of maggots wriggling through your decomposing flesh. Ah, the simple pleasures.
But let's talk about politics for a moment, shall we? Because nothing says 'Welcome back to the land of the living' like a good old-fashioned political circus. I mean, I've seen more coherent arguments in a kindergarten classroom than I have in Congress lately. And don't even get me started on Twitter. I've seen more rational discourse in a YouTube comment section.
But hey, at least being dead means I don't have to pay taxes anymore, right? I mean, good luck trying to collect from a decomposing corpse, IRS!
And speaking of decomposing corpses, have you ever tried online dating as a zombie? Let me tell you, it's not easy. 'Looking for someone who enjoys long walks... and doesn't mind the occasional flesh-eating urge.' Yeah, good luck finding a match on Tinder with that profile.
But you know what they say, folks – you can't keep a good zombie down. Well, actually, you can, but it's a lot harder than you'd think. Trust me, I've tried.
Anyway, that's my time, folks. Remember, life is short, but death is even shorter... at least until you come back as a zombie. Thank you and goodnight... or whatever time it is.
